Hard Workers

I the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labour.I work at great depths. I work head first. I do not get RDO'S,weekends off, or public holidays. I work in a damp enviroment. I dont get paid overtime,or shift penalties. I work in a dark workplace,that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. RESPONSE FROM THE ADMINISTRATION After assessing your request,and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your allocated position,and often visit other areas. You take a lot of non-rostered breaks. You do not take initiative -you need to be pressured and stimulated,in order to start work. You leave the workplace rather messey at the end of your shift. You dont always observe H&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits. You dont wait till pension age, before retiring. You dont like working double shifts. You sometimes leave your allocated position, before you have completed the days work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving, the work place, carrying 2 suspicious looking bags ! ! !

How To Fool The Teacher!!

1. The Hundred Year's War lasted _ _ _ _ _ _ _ years. 2. Russians celebrate their October Revolution in the month of _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 3. We get catgut from _ _ _ _ _ _ _ animals. 4. The Canary Islands are named after _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 5. King George VI's first name was _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 6. A camel hairbrush is made of _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 7. The Thirty-Year War lasted _ _ _ _ _ _ _ years. 8. Panama hats are made in the country of _ _ _. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Answers BELOW. . . . OR Find Them Yourself (If you can) .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Answers 1. The Hundred Years War lasted 116 years, 1337 to 1453. 2. Since their calendar was 13 days behind ours, Russians celebrate the Oct. Revolution on Nov. 7. 3. "Catgut" comes from sheep. 4. Canary Islands in Latin is Canariae Insulae - Island of Dogs. 5. King George VI's first name was Albert. Queen Victoria, however, asked that no king would ever take the name of her beloved husband, Albert. 6. Camel hairbrushes are made of squirrel hair. 7. The Thirty-Year War lasted 30 years - 1618 to 1648. 8. Panama Hats are made in Ecuador.

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Jack, Jill and Dad

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here honey, try these on.' So, she did and said, 'Well sweetie they're a little too big, I can't Wear them.' So I replied, ...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here babe, try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack says, ". ..exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her knickers and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't even get into your knickers." So Jill says," ...exactly. And if you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will.

Listen Up Girls

Dear Girls, For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights back!! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of 2002. Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is..... 1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your a**e down a gym. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down. 3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again. 5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. 6. Saturday = Sport. Let it be. 7. Shopping is not a sport. 8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!. 9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work. 10. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress? 12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers. 13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 14. Your Mum doesn't have to be OUR best friend. 15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance. 16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument. 18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!! 19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them. 20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. 21. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are? 23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks. 24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and doesn't mean that we want to discuss the relationship. 25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "NO" and then eat half of mine. 26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise. Fact. 27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well. 28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'. 29. Do not question our sense of direction. If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect. The ball's in your court. Sincerely, The Lads

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