Liverpool's Olympic Bid

Did you know that Liverpool placed a bid for the Olympics? Here is an extract of their bid policy which was leaked by the IOC. THE EVENTS In previous Olympics, Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to embrace the local athletes. 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes. 110 METRES HURDLES Pretty much as above with added obstacles, for example car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, you get the general idea. HAMMER The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer: claw, lump, sledge etc. The winner shall be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time. WEIGHTLIFTING From a standing position, competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete the lift these items must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mates transit van. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes. SHOOTING A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines. The targets are to be as follows: 1. A moving police vehicle 2. A post office clerk 3. A bank teller or Securicor driver BOXING Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams. The event will takeplace on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's boy from the country on his first time away from home against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer. TIME TRIAL The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time and taxpayers money before being found guilty, will be judged the victor. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and arson. THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be confirmed, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shite, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way around the course. MEN'S 50km WALK Q. Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool? A. Because if it walked it would get mugged Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled RELAY Each of the four competitors are to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in sleepy Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars. ARCHERY Each competitor will be given three needles; the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body. DISCUS Discus will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mates the fastest. The following are Liverpool's exhibition events, designed to promote the local culture: PILLOW EATING The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner. GRAFFITI To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes. Note: In order not to disadvantage local competitors, marks will not be deducted for misspelling. BASEBALL Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last man standing wins. CLOSING CEREMONY In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by knife wielding locals. They will then scatter to the Four Corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver's side window bent and their car stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged "2 to look after your motor,mister". Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight scallies forming a circle and pissing on it. The closing speech will consist of the words "Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know". No one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home only to find their wallet missing.

London Lingo

RAGMAN’S COAT Untidy and unkempt pubic hair. e.g. “That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet she’s got a kebab like a ragman’s coat!” RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE To defecate. e.g. "I've got one in the Departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage". SALAD DODGER An excellent phrase for an overweight person. SKIN-CHIMNEY See BADLY PACKED KEBAB. SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive woman by young women. TART FULE or BITCH PISS Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch - regularly consumed by young women. UP ON BLOCKS Menstruating. i.e. Out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks". WALLACE AND GROMIT Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'. WYNONA RYDER Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen". AEROPLANE BLONDE One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'! BADLY PACKED KEBAB A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia. BRITNEY SPEARS Modern Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Couple of Britney's please Doreen", MUMBLER An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying BEER SCOOTER The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it. i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter". BUNNY-BOILER An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction". e.g. "I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde -- could be a bunny boiler". DRINK-LINK A modern term for a cash point machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze. JOHNNY-NO-STARS A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wears to show their level of training. NELSON MANDELA Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager). ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE The need to defecate imminently. PEARL HARBOUR Cold (weather). An example of it would be "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.

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Lonely Spinster

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: 'HUSBAND WANTED'. "Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person." On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said: "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!" The old man smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" She snorted: "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently: "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Male Date Rape Drug!!

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug around called "beer" and it is generally in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask the guy home for no-strings - attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to. Men often awaken after being given "beer" with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. Please! Forward this to every male you know...... However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women ministering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of similarly-affected likeminded guys. For the nearest support group near you just look up 'Public House' in the yellow pages.

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