Space Mission

There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board. The control centre in the US calls: "Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen. A few moments later the control centre calls again: "Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation. A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please woman approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says..... "I know I know... Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything..."

Statues

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. Theses two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"

Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work

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Whale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female: Let's both swim under the ship and blow out Your air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. This they tried and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore". At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seaman!".

Why Are Women Better

We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. We have the ability to dress ourselves. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems We'll never regret piercing our ears. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.

Why Are Men Just Happier

Our last name stays put. The garage is all ours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell us the truth. The world is our urinal. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet. One mood, ALL the time. Phone conversations are over in 3.0 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. We can open all our own jars. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Everything on our face stays its original color. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. We almost never have strap problems in public We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. We don't have to shave below our neck. Our belly usually hides our hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. We can "do" our nails with a pocketknife. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes ! !

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